deeply asleep and profoundly awake.

Who would deny it any more?

2012-01-27T18:31:00.001-08:00

“Let us hesitate no longer to announce that the sensual passions and mysteries are equally sacred with the spiritual mysteries and passions. Who would deny it any more? The only thing unbearable is the degradation, the prostitution of the living mysteries in us. Let many only approach his own self with a deep respect, even reverence for all that the creative soul, the God-mystery within us, puts forth. Then we shall all be sound and free. Lewdness is hateful because it impairs out integrity and our proud being.

The creative, spontaneous soul puts forth its promptings of desire and aspiration in us. These promptings are our true fate, which is our business to fulfil. A fate dictated from outside, from theory or from circumstance, is a false fate."

D.H. Lawrence

I was on the floor

2012-01-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

Notes from today:

I don't put my hand over my heart for the National Anthem, and I don't say the Pledge of Allegiance. It's not about disrespect, it's about not going in for nationalist ideologies.

Bones that have been sitting in bags for fifty years have lots of dust. That dust feels really, really gross on my hand.

I think it's time to trade in my bright pink terry cloth bathrobe for something a little more... adult. I'm ready to embrace the sexy me.

People that forgive lapses in my memory make me really, really happy.

I remembered today how much I love kids' books: a lot. It makes me very happy that my children will have many books at their disposal.

I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do for Joseph for Valentine's Day.

Also, I've decided to stop hating Valentine's Day, because that's the day Joseph and I decided to become a couple (although the timing was unintentional, since neither of us remembered that it was that particular holiday until eight or so that evening).

I hate the way tuxedos look. Just so everyone knows.

Joe and I went on a real date this week. Sushi and drinks and pool. It was so, so fun. And super delicious sushi.

I think maybe making brownies with a little bit of coffee in the batter would be the most delicious thing ever.

I still can't find my camera, and my heart is more than a little bit broken.

I really, really like working at the anthropology lab.

I've been listening to all the songs on my ipod in alphabetical order. I started... Tuesday. I'm at "The Autobiographical Grandpa," which is 330 songs in. (I have allowed myself to skip, though, especially because I have a number of audiobooks on it.)

I'm quite looking forward to wearing cute dresses this spring.

We made chicken enchiladas last night, and they were probably the best enchiladas I've ever had, in my entire life.

I would very much like to go camping.

I stumbled upon a picture of my wedding invitation the other day, and I am still really proud of it.

I freaking love it when people bring their kids onto campus. I do not see children on a regular enough basis. Except my nieces - they're neat.

If I was brave and very artistic (and had a ton of money) I'd design a sleeve tattoo for my arm.

I just started Women in Love by D.H. Lawrence, and I'm already loving it just from the foreword.

Tomorrow is for adventuring and homework.

Tantric Philosophy (a poem I just discovered)

2012-01-27T17:46:00.000-08:00

.........

everything that exists is God

.........

look, look at how beautiful your body is

.........

eavesdropping, again

2012-01-24T15:16:00.000-08:00

I had the opportunity while eating lunch today to eavesdrop on a few more conversations. (Just for the record, I am not the only creepy one! Just the other day my brother-in-law told me he also gets distracted by people talking.)

This one began with me seriously rolling my eyes and trying to tune them out, but after a little I was able to let go of that and recognize that they had some legitimate things to say:

Girl 1: Well, worship is tonight, are you going to come?
Girl 2: something something, Jesus loves me, something (I couldn't hear very well, someone opened the door and wind blew my napkins everywhere.)
Girl 1: When I first felt his love, something something something...
Girl 2: I don't know, sometimes with all those people there, I feel really self-conscious. Like, are they watching me?
Girl 1: I know what you mean. But I just have to tell myself, I'm here for me. And maybe they're watching me, and maybe they're not, but I can't let that stop me from worshiping.

And this one really did make me roll my eyes a lot, mostly because I don't really get people like this.
Girl: Oh. My. God. I have to show you a picture of this guy!!!
Boy: Why? Who is he?
Girl: He's the TA of my poetry class, which is boring as hell, but he is so fucking hot, oh my god. Such a gorgeous fucking hotty.

... a few seconds later:

Girl: There he is. Oh my god! So fucking hot. Fuuuuck.
Boy: ...... (I think he was ignoring her. I was too close to them to look and see.)

I'm sure someone eavesdropping on the conversations I've had today would be wholly entertained. Especially the one with the Anthro lab boss, all about old ladies who read steamy romances, and how maybe that's how we should teach our kids about sex, because steamy romances at least don't scare the living hell out of you. (But then we'd be risking setting up unreal expectations, so that's a downside.)

snowy

2012-01-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, we grew tadpoles in the backyard. They turned into the tiniest little frogs, and lived in the mud in the backyard until it got to be too hot and it all dried out. I don't know what happened to them after that. Probably, they just died, or hopped away to find some other water. At the time I liked to think they buried themselves really deep, and just slept until it started raining again.

It didn't snow in Northern California like it does in Southeastern Idaho, at least not where we lived. That was a strange thing to get used to, the snow. At first I loved it, because it was such a novelty. I learned to drive in the snow. It didn't take too long for me to learn to absolutely despise it, especially because it lasted till mid-May most years, turning brown and icy and gross.

It's snowed here in Moscow a lot this week, but I find myself more okay with it. This is the first major snow we've experienced here, and already a lot of it has melted away (which makes for pretty sucky driving, but that's just the way it goes).

More than anything, I hate being cold. Our apartment is not well insulated, and the heaters are old, old. So I spend a lot of time bundled up in my room, sitting in front of the space heater and praying for spring.

Being cold makes me feel sad. And sort of grumpy.

I try to keep it away by drinking lots of tea and hot chocolate and coffee. It helps. And cuddling with the kitties, because those creatures hold in a lot of heat. It's the best when I'm in bed and they curl up on my legs.

dear future child

2012-01-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

My dear future child,

I promise to avoid giving you a name like London, or Paris, or San Francisco.

I also promise to avoid spelling your name in a stupid way that no one can read.

I will try very, very hard not to be hurt if you hate the name we pick out for you and decide to change it to Rainbow Star, or Genevieve Roseanne, or Hubert. (Please don't pick Humbert, though. That one's a little creepy.)

I won't mind if you play with dolls and action figures at the same time, or if you really just like to play in the dirt, or if you spill milk on the carpet. I also won't mind if you like to wear stripes and floral and plaid at the same time, or if you insist on wearing the same shirt every day for a month. (I do request that it be washed at some point, however.)

I like to think that I will be the best, most patient mother the world's ever seen, but chances are I'm fooling myself. So if I am impatient with you, please understand that I love you, and I will always feel bad afterwards.

I promise to try to be as open and honest with you as I am capable, and to not shy away from any questions you may have (awkward and uncomfortable as it may be sometimes).

I promise to dance with you, and sing you lullabies. Unfortunately I'll probably have to make them up, because the only one I know is "Rockabye Baby," and I hate that one. There's a good chance, in fact, that your father and I will make up many a ridiculous song for you. It may embarrass you, but hopefully sometimes you'll join in.

I promise to let you help me in the kitchen, and to do yoga with you, but not to force you if you don't want to.

I will not make you take any lessons or play any sports you don't want to.

I will teach you the names of as many things I know (plants, stars, people, animals, you name it) and will look up the names of things we don't know.

I will read you books. Lots of them.

And I will try not to get too angry if you draw on the pages of one.

When you are sick, you can sleep in our bed, as long as you promise to warn me when you have to puke.

I won't wash your mouth out with soap, even if you say the fuck word. I do hope I don't burst out laughing when you do curse for the first time!

I won't make you sit inside when it's beautiful outdoors, and I won't force you outside if you'd rather read a book inside.

I promise as many hugs and kisses as you want (and probably more).

You can wear frilly dresses if you want, or camo pants, hideous as they are.

I hope you grow up kind and compassionate, and sure of yourself, no matter who criticizes (because they will, and it will suck). I hope you find your place on this Earth, and love it with all your heart.

I promise to always, always say "I love you" before I hang up the phone.

Because I do, and always will.

in which I make a list of many, varied things

2012-01-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

- I hate boxes of rocks.
- I also hate boxes of soil, maybe even a little more.
- I love making lists, so it's a good thing my next task is databasing all those boxes!
- I have a really sore back.
- I have to eat dinner alone tonight, and it makes me quite sad.
- Does anyone else think Jillian Michaels might be evil?
- Joe and I have started playing Magic recently.
- Really.
- I can't find my camera, and it's making me a little bit anxious.
- The snow is really, really pretty right now.
- But a pain in the ass to walk home in.
- Which is part of why I'm making this list.
- (=procrastinating)
- We also started watching Weeds, and there's a good chance I will do more of that tonight.
- I've finished several books, but haven't had the motivation to post about them.
- Thomas Friedman has some pretty important things to say, but I'm bothered by his appeal to American Nationalist ideologies.
- I need to cut my bangs.
- Part of why I want my camera is because I'm feeling a little vain and I would like to take some pictures of myself.
- Is that so much to ask?
- I'm not even sure why I decided to make this a list, as opposed to a rambling.
- I get to write a paper on biodiversity (and the losing of) in the US.
- I also still haven't gotten into a couple of the classes I'm wait-listed for.
- I might be stuck with only 12 credits this semester.
- Sometimes I feel guilty for using the school computers for nothing school related.
- But no one's waiting, so I don't really care.
- (Except the kitties, at home waiting to be fed.)
- I actually really hate it when people try to appeal to the whole "You're a child of God" idea when trying to convince you of something.
- Also, I hate it when people say, "You might not believe in God, but he believes in you!"
- I thought about applying for a research thing in Russia and Mongolia, but now I'm not sure I'm going to.
- The beginning of the semester is one of the worst times to spend much time on campus, because all the Christian groups try to convince you to come to their church by giving out free hot chocolate (or water bottles, when it's hot).
- I almost got free hot chocolate from them, but then I realized we'd have to actually have a conversation.
- Generally, I avoid those sorts of conversations when there's a clear agenda on one side.
- (Or both, since my clear agenda was to get free hot chocolate without committing to anything.)
- Speaking of avoiding conversations, the Mormons haven't found us yet.
- I think they might not bother.
- Is it funny that I talk about getting to write a paper, rather than having to?
- I sort of like writing papers.
- Which you may already know, considering I recently posted excerpts of a paper on this blog.
- We watched The City of Lost Children the other night.
- It was a little weird.
- Well, a lot weird, but I didn't think it should have been rated R. I almost didn't watch it.
- The acting, though, was pretty damn impressive.

as of late

2012-01-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

birthday party

(with whiskey

and the bag game

which I almost rocked)

the library

(for audiobooks)

the comic book shop

(for the newest Buffy comic,

and some Magic cards,

because we're fast turning into the geekiest couple you ever did see)

out to dinner

(oh. my. goodness.

best hamburger I've ever eaten,

followed up by tres leches cake.

I'm still craving more.)

and:

I got a new sweater.

With deer on it!

Read With Me: Madame Bovary

2012-01-10T09:56:00.000-08:00

(I read the books out of order - oops! Silas Marner is being read as we speak, don't worry!)

As I started reading Madame Bovary, I thought I understood Emma well. I, too, am constantly searching for genuine emotional experiences. I understand the want and need to feel passion, wild, like the world is somewhere I belong. I hate being bored. And I can only imagine what it would be like to be stuck in a marriage with a person that didn't invoke those feelings in me. So I felt like I understood where she was coming from.

Ah, but then Rodolphe! The secret love for Leon - that I got, the forbidden connection, the hidden love. But Rodolphe? Really, truly? Dear Emma, You win the bad judgement contest.

The farther I got into the book, the more I felt myself distanced from Emma as a character. The crazier and more emotionally unstable she became, the more frustrated I was (which was probably not a coincidence on the author's part, huh?)

Truly, the only person I connected with throughout the whole novel was Charles. Poor, silly Charles, content to just be a country doctor, enamored with his silly, deceitful wife.

Although, I did love Homais. What a fantastic character.

gratuitous kitty pictures

2012-01-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

Lola and I had a photo shoot at my father-in-law's over Christmas. I think I took something like thirty pictures in those five minutes, and honestly I'm glad as many as four turned out presentable! She likes to try to lick the camera.

(Much like she likes to lick my face. At seven in the morning. While I'm in bed.)

I need to try to get more pictures of Rumi. She hasn't been terribly accommodating recently.

whoa.

2012-01-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been full of taking care of a sick husband, working on Madame Bovary, preparing myself mentally for the start of the semester, working (just a little, though), and reorganizing books and bookshelves to make room for a desk.

I really enjoy reorganizing my books.

You probably could have guessed that, though.

I may be able to finish my yoga certification in February. It's actually a really hard thing for me to comprehend! Basically what's going through my head is this:

ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh
ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh

Yeah. I'm freaking out a little bit inside.

working in a lab, and some books

2012-01-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

2012 is already off to a pretty rockin start, I must say. I received a work study award, for one thing, which means I get to work in the anthropology lab here on campus. I went in this morning and got it all settled, and I'm starting as soon as I get put onto the payroll. This also means I get to cut down my hours at Starbucks. I do like being a barista, but let's be honest - Starbucks as a corporation is kind of soulless. And I'd way rather be working on something relevant to my future career as a not-barista. Not to mention, I get to wear normal clothes! (That's definitely a good thing.) Plus the lady who runs the lab has already proven to me that she's pretty much a bad ass.

I have also successfully completed two books already. Yay!

First:

Yoga for a World Out of Balance: Teachings On Ethics and Social Action, by Michael Stone. There are something like 75 quotes from this book I'd like to post here, because it was really insightful and kind of blew my mind. Stone's focus on nonduality and the interrelatedness of all life really helped illuminate the yamas, and I would definitely say I feel more equipped to use them as guidelines in my life. And it was just really nice to see the Yoga Sutras from a nondualist perspective, because everything I've read about them has been from a dualist perspective, which really doesn't sit well with me. Not to mention, he consistently tied everything into an ecological perspective, which was highly valuable and very well expressed. Should you be interested in delving a little more deeply into yoga philosophy (but not too scary deep!) this is a good place to start.

Second:

Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov. Holy creepy weirdness - but there's a reason it's a classic. The character development and use of language is phenomenal, and it left me feeling really emotionally...weird. But not in a bad way, necessarily. It just puts you into the mind of a total creeper, and you can totally identify with him as a person (which I think is a valuable thing, but you may disagree).

2012: a year of Practice

2012-01-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

I'm going to skip over Christmas and jump right to the new year, which I ushered in by spending all day Saturday and Sunday in bed nursing a head cold. Don't worry, though, we celebrated Sunday night (which I'm sure didn't help my recovery, but I like red wine too much to say no - and who says I should have said no? It was New Year's!)

2011 was an interesting year. I feel sort of ambiguous toward it, actually, which surprises me a little. It was my first full official year as a married person, which was pretty awesome. And I went back to school, which was also really cool. But looking back at 2011 mostly makes me think of transition. So much of the year was spent in transition, waiting for the next stop (you know, on the proverbial train of life). It's a strange way to have spent so much time.

But now I have to consider, was it really? I have always, always struggled with transition periods in my life. So looking back at almost an entire year of it and not feeling loathing towards it is pretty cool. I learned to handle periods of change and stress without going completely bonkers. I even learned to enjoy certain aspects of it (gasp!).

I think most importantly, 2011 became a year of reflection. 2010 was a year of discovery and crazy new beginnings and excitement, and in 2011 I settled into a lot of those things and reflected back on them. I learned to grow still (mostly). I learned to reign in my soaring insecurities. I understand myself a lot better at the beginning of 2012 than I think I ever have.

In that vein of growth and understanding, my one theme/word/goal/whatever for 2012 is Practice. I want to learn to practice routinely all those things that fulfill me spiritually: yoga, writing, meditation, going outside, listening, standing in the rain, cuddling, loving. It's time to take that reflection and stillness and put it into action. What better time than now, at the new year? It's a little arbitrary, sure, but the symbolism is still here, and I'm going to take advantage of it. (I'm kind of a sucker for symbolism.)

Review: Animal Dreams

2011-12-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

I have loved every book I've ever read by Kingsolver, and this was no exception. She is a master at creating characters that feel like close relatives (I'd say friends, but I don't always like them very much). Codi in Animal Dreams is a complex character, with whom I connected on a very deep level.

The plot was simple and complex at the same time. It's strange to hear, but I think it makes sense because there are layers. Kingsolver always involves social messages in her writing, but here they're on another level from the main plot.

It creates a book that isn't just about a woman who dropped out of her internship months before becoming a medically licensed doctor. It's not just about her learning to deal with her sister's absence, or learning to reconnect with her father while he slowly falls into Alzheimers, or her new romance, or having to deal with a miscarriage she went through in high school. It's about community. It's about environment, culture - it's about humanity.We need more books like this.

If you want a book about human experience, about how people learn to deal (or not deal) with the world around them, about waking up from just living to actually living, please, please read this one.

"no one is only one thing"

2011-12-21T23:24:00.000-08:00

The solution is not to try to get everyone to speak te same language, or to impose coercive official identities, or silence voices of dissent, but to try to rectify imbalances in power. Modernization does not have to entail loss of one's language and culture, and local identity. We need to explore other forms of governance as alternatives to the nation-state, which, as we have seen, arose in particular Western historical circumstances and was predicated on the achievement of linguistic unification as part and parcel of political unification.

Many are still trapped in the mistaken idea that all people have only a single identity - that the Irish are only Irish, Nigerians only Nigerians, and so on. Labels such as these are only the beginning and not end points. In today's global village, no one is only one thing. We all have overlapping and intersecting identities. Being Irish, French, or Breton is not incompatible with being a European, just as being Passamaquoddy or Hawaiian need not be in conflict with being American (or a member of the Republican party, a woman, a Catholic, etc.). We need to divest ourselves of the traditional equation between language, nation, and state because with a few notable exceptions, it never actually corresponded to reality anyway, in Europe or anywhere else.

From Vanishing Voices: The Extinction of the World's Languages, by Daniel Nettle and Suzanne Romaine

(Please, please go find this book! It's so worth the time. And if anyone felt like getting me a bloggy-friend Christmas present, this wouldn't be a bad choice, ha!)

One of the most fascinating aspects of humanity is the concept of identity. I'm learning that many of the ways I identify myself are not necessarily true or correct for me. It's interesting, at the very least. Sometimes very, very frustrating.

Happy Solstice

2011-12-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

The solstice occurs tonight at 10:30 or so, making today the shortest day of the year. I don't think Joe and I will be celebrating tonight - rather, I think we'll wait until tomorrow, and celebrate the sun's return.

There's a good chance I can talk my sisters into a bonfire tonight, though. That sounds pretty celebratory to me :) And there will be yoga. This will be a good solstice.

(Yes, we're in Rexburg. Oh, my family! I love being home with them.)

I do love the imagery of the solstice - embracing the dark, and letting it go to make room for the light to return. I'm learning to love winter for what it is: dark and cold, quiet, reflective - and celebratory and wild, a time for embrace and release.

Oh, and I got my grades last night - straight A's for the first time since I was 13 or so! Hell yeah! (I'm really, really excited. My GPA is already up like .3 points.)

Someday I will spend a solstice here.

Read With Me: The Portrait of a Lady

2011-12-16T16:25:00.000-08:00

While not my favorite of the books we've read for the Read With Me book club, I did quite enjoy The Portrait of a Lady. The complex emotions and characters drew me in, and while at first I didn't care for the plot, by the end I cared very much for Miss Isabel Archer. I can honestly say though, that I had no interest in seeing her end up with Caspar Goodwood!

If only Ralph hadn't been sick! And if only she'd realized that she loved him! Alas, it is up to me to decide how it ended (except without Ralph, darn it.) I do, of course, hope and believe that Isabel came to her senses and left her horrible husband. But do I believe she finally reciprocated Caspar's love and they found happiness?

I don't know. What I really hope is that she took off to some far off, exotic place and painted pictures. Or became a nurse. Or something... lonely, like that. Not a bad lonely, though. I hope she found a good loneliness.

2011-12-15T22:30:00.000-08:00

I just figured it out.

If I want to graduate in two and a half years (five semesters), I have to take a minimum of 21.5 credits a semester.

If I want to graduate in three years (six semesters), I have to take a minimum of 18 credits a semester.

If I wanted to keep myself at an average of 15 credits a semester (which I've found is manageable with work and a marriage, not to mention keeping my sanity), I would graduate in about seven semesters, or three and a half years.

.......

It would appear I am in need of some restructuring of my schooling.

If I wanted to graduate in three semesters, I could. If I dropped a major. (I'm currently double majoring in Environmental Science and Anthropology - I don't know if I've ever explicitly stated that.) I thought I could maybe do summer semesters and get out more quickly, but it appears the vast majority of classes I need are not offered over the summer terms. So...

Shit.

I'm never going to grow up. I'm going to be a fourth year senior by the time I graduate.

Bah.

title

2011-12-14T14:22:00.002-08:00

Then we'll
be deeply asleep and profoundly awake
simultaneously like cave companions.

I've added a new page! Under the title "Inspiration" you'll find the poem The Knots Untie, by Rumi. It's where I got my blog title. While rereading it, it resonated with me just as much as the first time, so I thought it deserved to be featured.

Please let me know what you think of it!

animism

2011-12-13T23:03:00.000-08:00

The term god ( or deity) is generally used for a named spirit believed to have created or to have control of some aspect of the world. Gods, who are the creators of the world and the ultimate powers in it, are present in only about half of all societies. -Culture Counts, something-th edition (aka, my anthropology textbook.)

I find religion as a cultural construct absolutely fascinating.

Also, I'm thinking I could probably claim the title of animist, if I wanted to be categorized in any way. (You should read The Story of B by Daniel Quinn. It'll explain it.)

how I came to leave the LDS church, and all that.

2011-12-10T12:12:00.002-08:00

other things that have been on my mind lately:

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, my leaving the church didn't exactly go over well with my family. We still don't really talk about it. At all. When I told my mom I was done with being Mormon, she told me she didn't think it was because I had lost my faith (or just realized I never really had the elusive thing). She informed me that I couldn't handle all the guilt I felt.

I was pretty floored. I didn't respond directly, I don't think, because I honestly didn't even consider guilt as a motivating factor (and I didn't really feel like I had much to feel guilty for). I had given up guilt, I had let go of the concept of sin, so I was ready to let go of an organization that runs according to those things.

When I told Jake I wanted to leave the church (remember, he was still on his mission, so that was a really big deal) the first thing he asked was "Does this have something to do with someone you're seeing?"

First of all, I wasn't seeing anyone at the time I came to terms with my need to develop my own spirituality. Second of all, I was really perturbed by the idea that he didn't believe I could make this kind of decision on my own.

In both cases, there was this need to replace my decision with an excuse. There had to be something to make it invalid. And looking back at it, I understand that, duh, they would be unwilling to recognize that this was a totally legitimate personal decision, based entirely on my own thoughts and feelings. But at the time, I was really bothered that they didn't put enough stock in my ability to cope with my feelings to believe that I could have realized such a truth about myself:

I did not, and never had, believed faithfully in what I was taught about the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

In fact, I didn't even believe in the need for a Savior.

Blasphemy.

Here's what I wish I had said in response:

I have always wanted, desperately, to feel a spiritual connection to something. I didn't get that from the church. I never did. The times I had ever felt a spiritual anything was outdoors, when my dad took me hiking or camping or exploring. I left the church because it didn't provide what it promised: a spiritual fulfillment and connection to the Divine.

All I got from the church was a sense of guilt, a sense that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't the right kind of person, that I couldn't be Me and be in good standing with The Lord.

When I realized that I was not spiritually fulfilled, when I realized that I was not feeling a Divine connection - I realized that the church was not holding up its end of the bargain. If I did everything right, I should be happy. And I tried so hard to do everything right. I wanted desperately to feel that connection, to feel fulfilled, to be a spiritual person. But I didn't.

So I let it go. What else could I do?

I don't go to church. I don't pray to any specific god, if I pray at all. I don't measure my actions against some arbitrary idea of sin and morality. I don't aim for heaven.

I simply live. I live in a way that facilitates my connection to what I believe is Divine. And I am happy, and fulfilled, and I am a deeply spiritual person.

That is what I wish I had said in response.

what does it mean?

2011-12-09T12:11:00.001-08:00

Things that are in my brain as of late:

I read an article that had something to do with atheism the other day (although I don't remember what), and one of the comments stuck with me. "Without something to give your life meaning, what's the point?" And I kept thinking... (although I'm still not an atheist, I think the question does apply to me) just because I don't believe in a creator-God-patriarch who sits at the top of a hierarchy, I don't have anything to give my life meaning?

What is life itself is the meaning? What if existence itself is the point?

I don't need any proof of an afterlife or a God to give my life meaning. In fact, life means a whole lot to me because this really might be it. And if that's the case, I pretty much want this life to have in it everything I can fit. Love, exploration, joy. If this is it, it doesn't leave room for guilt, or anxiety, or stressing about what God thinks (or doesn't think) about me. It gives me the room to choose to live my life just how I want to, and not according to what will get me to heaven (or the best kingdom of heaven, whatever). It also persuades me to live in a way that is happy, fulfilled, joyful. To let go of those cultural constructs that hold me back from becoming more myself. If this life is all I have to discover who I am, it's not sad, and it's not meaningless. But if I'm going to spend my time here in a worthwhile way, I'd better get on it!

(PS - totally quoting Nightmare Before Christmas in the title. Not just asking a silly, unanswerable question.)

not just yet

2011-12-08T13:45:00.001-08:00

I'm trying not to focus on the end of the semester just yet. There's only a week left, which is awesome, but I still have a lot to do in that week. I cannot check out just yet, as hard as it is to stay involved!

That being said, I am really looking forward to next semester. I'm taking a yoga class, a biology class, intro to archaeology, an environmental science seminar taught by my advisor (who's a bad-ass, by the way), and a forestry class entitled "Society and Natural Resources." I'm not sure why it's a forestry class, but I'm excited for it.

School's pretty weird, still. The whole work-hard-and-be-good-little-consumers attitude does get to me. But I can handle that, I do believe, or at least work it to my own advantage.

And if you ever read this, you know I never discuss politics. But - damn you Jon Hunstman for turning into another dumb-ass "I don't know if global warming is real!" conservative! I had real hope for you!

(see here - and isn't his jacket in the picture nifty? I want one just like it.)

That is all.

Review: The Red Tent

2011-12-06T13:38:00.000-08:00

After hearing about this book for three years, I finally got around to reading it. I'm so glad I did!

Honestly, while I was reading it, I was a little surprised at how much good I had heard about it, because it takes a very interesting perspective on the story of Jacob/Israel and his family life. It definitely doesn't present him in the light of a prophet - rather, he was a distinctive character, who played a very specific role in the story. A lot of the critiques I've read of this book mention how the author doesn't present him in his traditional role. I can't honestly say I was bothered by it, however, since he wasn't the main character of the story. (Not to mention, I highly doubt the biblical character was historically accurate!)

I would argue (and vigorously) that the book's divergence from the biblical story is a huge strength. It creates characters that are interesting and relatable, and develops a history of Biblical women that have long been neglected.

I fell in love with this book because of the women in it - they are so human, such real characters. And the feminine spirituality that is present throughout the story spoke to me on a very deep level. I was drawn in to their rituals, their gods, their deep sense of place. And the embrace of womanhood - the celebration of menstruation and childbirth - charged me with a similar feeling of my own.

On its deepest level, The Red Tent presents to its readers a critique and a celebration of humanity, in all its fucked-up-ness. It's beautifully written, full of emotion and depth, much of which still stays with me, even weeks after reading it.

on dying languages

2011-11-30T16:50:00.003-08:00

I thought I'd share a bit of the paper I wrote for English.*** Turns out, dying languages are super fascinating, and people know virtually nothing about the subject. And, I could make a super awesome connection to ecosystem destruction. So obviously I did. Here it is!

Perhaps most importantly, human diversity is lost with language. Of the thousands of languages in the world, each represents a unique and important worldview, each valuable in its own right. While the global trend has been to homogeneity, the toll globalization has taken on the world and its diversity is vast. It is important to recognize that from an anthropological and biological view, diversity in any system is of the utmost importance to its survival (Nettle, 48). Diversity provides variation, the source of evolution and human creativity.

Indigenous societies exist on the land of their ancestors, and they know it intimately. When that land is taken from them for development, mining, agriculture, or any other major industrial use, these societies lose their traditional home and their way of supporting themselves (Nettle, 47). They then have little choice but to enter a larger cash economy, which requires they use a larger, more dominant language.

In environmentalism, there’s a movement called “Deep Ecology” which relies on the concept that “the well-being and flourishing of human and nonhuman life on Earth have value in themselves” (Naess). In other words, all life has inherent value, simply in its existence. Something’s usefulness to human society does not define its value on any level, except to that society. This qualification can also apply to people to say that likewise, unique human cultures and consequently, languages, have values in and of themselves, regardless of how they benefit anyone or thing outside them. A language that is endangered has value simply because it belongs to a group of people with a history and cultural heritage. Its value to Western society does not define its intrinsic value. We may be able to learn many wonderful, valuable things from a language that is threatened with death. However, even if we were not able to learn anything from it, it would still have value, and deserve to have effort put into its revitalization. Just as we’ve learned to recognize the value of an ecosystem because it is unique and important to the life forms that depend on it, we must learn to recognize the value of culture and language that are important to those people within it.

Until we recognize the value to be found in these languages in and of themselves, we will never be able to truly save them from the detrimental effects of globalization and Western thought. We will not be willing to step out of those indigenous areas and allow control of place to return to those indigenous societies. Until we recognize that these languages are worth saving simply because they represent the diversity of humanity, we will fail to take the steps necessary to save them.

The fact that languages and culture exist and have meaning to a population of people, no matter how small, gives them inherent value, completely independent of their usefulness to outsiders. Until this is philosophy is recognized and adopted, all the programs in the world will not save most of those languages that are in danger of disappearing forever. Unless modern society, especially the Western world, recognizes the value and necessity of diversity – which we can learn from, utilize in our fight for conservation of natural resources, and use to inspire further cultural and creative growth – these endangered languages have no hope.

I know, it's a lot to read. Believe me, my feelings won't be hurt if you skip a bit. But, I don't know if I've ever written a paper that made me so excited! The whole time I was writing the paper, I kept telling Joe how interesting the whole subject is. The line that can be drawn between language/culture death and environmental degradation blows my mind.

One book that was particularly valuable to me was Vanishing Voices: The Extinction of the World's Languages (cited as Nettle in the text above). I would definitely suggest picking it up if you're interested in language death. It's really accessible, despite being an academic book, and makes connections really effectively.

***Obviously, my willingness to share my paper depends on the willingness of people to not steal it! That would be considered plagiarism, and you can fail most courses for such actions. That being said, please let me know if you're interested in my sources and such. Those, I am more than happy to share.

Review: Fasting for Ramadan: Notes from a Spiritual Practice

2011-11-29T10:31:00.000-08:00

This book was a small glimpse into one person's spiritual practice, but was hugely spiritual itself. The practice of fasting, and reflections on life and God were expressed beautifully. Ali is a fantastic writer, and his insight into humanity and spirituality is great. He has a strong control of language, using metaphor and description with a great effect. Meditative and flowing, it was a beautiful read.

The icons on the altar are not objects of worship, rather they are arrows pointing in a certain direction. And I am a man with many arrows inside me, each pointing in a different direction.

Ali is a practicing yogi, and his references to his yoga practice and teaching were a fantastic way for me to connect to the writing. It helps that one can connect virtually anything to yoga, of course, but his connections were insightful and wise.

Maybe there is divinity in the energy and grace that moves between bodies and within them.

I felt uplifted and spiritually fed after reading Fasting for Ramadan, and will definitely go back to it in the future.

And if the only way you know how to live is by burning, then at the end all you have left is ash.

sometimes I'm three years old.

2011-11-29T09:56:00.001-08:00

I didn't post much last week partly because I was crazy busy (work + homework + Thanksgiving prep + Thanksgiving = no time for anything!) and partly because I was crazy depressed a good portion of the time.

Maybe not crazy depressed, but last week was definitely a down week. There was a point I even threw a fit. Quite literally, I stomped my feet and cried.

As it turns out, tantrums aren't a bad way to get rid of a lot of negative emotion. At some point I had to just let myself let go, despite my extreme embarrassment that I was acting like a three year old. (Don't worry, I was alone!)

Obviously I've gotten over a good portion of that embarrassment since I'm here, telling you all about my three year old fit in my kitchen. What spurred this childish act? Haven't the slightest. Something ridiculously small, of course, probably related to my being quite hungry and not in the best mood after work.

It's dark here. And cold, although not super snowy, or windy, most of the time. I hate being cold. And our heaters are terribly ineffective (and expensive! Our power bill doubled last month!), so I'm cold all the time. I think that has a bit to do with my being a Negative Nancy.

Not to mention, I'm in a brand new place, starting school all over again, all while trying to balance work, marriage, yoga, and taking care of myself. It's not an easy thing to throw myself into, but I did. And now I'm sort of stressed and crazy.

What else should I expect, though?

Luckily, we only have three weeks of the semester left, including finals. That'll help immensely (although I might set something on fire during these three weeks). Then we're going to see family for Christmas!! Which means: no work, Christmas presents, Christmas food (including fudge!!), family, Southeastern Idaho winter sunsets (which might be the best in the world), and a whole lot of not doing any homework at all. Ha! I might actually have time to read! And do yoga! And Joe and I are planning a little Solstice celebration all our own.

In the meantime, I'm going to decorate our house. With glitter. And snowflakes. And maybe a tree (a fake one, borrowed). And twinkly lights, and who knows what else?

It's a good life. Sometimes I just need to throw a tantrum, and then take a few deep breaths.

tribe

2011-11-20T12:56:00.003-08:00

everything has been trying to get out the last few days

tears, especially.

not for any particular reason -

it's a mode of expression.

words don't work for me, always,

although I am trying.

interesting that tears on a face

are so often seen as a manipulative tool.

when all I ever want is to express what's there

what isn't generally accepted.

what exactly is wrong with emotions?

what is wrong with their expression?

why am I embarrassed to cry.

over a book, for example.

a particularly moving moment of loss

or joy

or intensity

is generally enough to move me to tears.

and I relish the fact that I am open to such things.

there was a time that emotions were wholly and completely expressed

at least among other women.

I want a tribe.

I want to belong.

not this time

2011-11-19T12:33:00.000-08:00

Alas, no kitty pictures this week. The internet's down at our house, and I have to do everything on the school computer.

I had a dream my sister died last night. I've been talking to her all day, so obviously she is alive and well, but I can't get that horrible feeling out of my chest.

When I was living in the dorms at BYU I dreamed that my mom died, and my dad came to Utah to tell me about it. It was the single most realistic dream I've ever had. I panicked and called my family at six in the morning, just to make sure Mom was actually okay.

This dream was different. It was very dream like. And I remember having the thought right in the middle of the dream that people live through the deaths of their loved ones. I couldn't imagine a more terrible thing than to someday be able to get through the day without the terrible pain caused by death.

Lordy. What a stressful way to wake up. Sleeping has been that lately: stressful. I go through these phases where I love sleep, but now is not one of them. It's like being in high school again, when I would stay awake till the wee hours of the morning, just to exhaust myself so I could fall asleep.

I hate it. I also hate this weekend, when Joe and I work totally opposite schedules and I haven't seen him for more than a few hours for three weeks. And this is supposed to be our fall break!

I do have a few posts on books I've read coming up. The Red Tent, Fasting for Ramadan, and The Portrait of a Lady. I'm 47 books into my 52 book goal for the year (and that doesn't count all the reading I do for school!) Books are, and always will be, my saving grace. As long as I have books and yoga (and my husband and kitties), I can keep my sanity.

Thankful (Thursday) - 3

2011-11-17T13:31:00.000-08:00

- I am so grateful for this post by Lydia at Clutterquake. What a fantastic poem!
- and for my chem test being OVER. what a relief!
- a cuddly husband.
- and cuddly kitties
(is it cheating to use Joseph and the kittens every time?)
- clean dishes
- snow that doesn't stick. and that I didn't fall right on my butt walking home in it.
- coffee. I don't know if I could have gotten through this week without it.
- a job. I'm not a capitalist, and I'd very much like out of the global cash economy. but I'm grateful that while I'm stuck in it, I can support myself without totally selling my soul
- being able to choose my own topic for my huge paper (seriously, I would never have guessed that dying languages would make me so excited to write a paper!)
- my seesters
- a husband that can take care of icky wounds on my hand. (it was a cut deep enough to see an actual vein! so creepy! [and kind of interesting.])
- hats, scarves, and gloves
- home-cooked food
- the library having computers at our disposal (the internet's down at home)
- being able to sleep in

I am going to spend the week preceding Thanksgiving doing a yoga practice full of giving gratitude. I have to have something good to focus on right now, because the sudden switch to darkness has got my emotions all wonky! Does winter do that to you?

soon, soon

2011-11-16T12:01:00.003-08:00

This week has been one of hectic proportions. Lab reports, chemistry tests, a 10 page paper (I will be sharing some of it, I believe!), and a speech on yoga in the classroom.

Lord, grant me the breath to take it all in!

I'm closing in on 10,000 views, and I'm trying to think of a special little way to celebrate. I was going to celebrate my 500th post, but that happened something like thirty posts ago. Ha! Ideas for an appropriate "10,000th View Celebration," anyone?

(But seriously, I need ideas.)

and the sky said

2011-11-13T11:26:00.000-08:00

I like to think I'm a pretty unique person. Like, I love my body. I'm married at only 23 (it doesn't sound weird to me, with half my graduating class either divorced or on their second child, but it's really strange around here, apparently). I don't have a normal wedding ring. I don't wear deodorant most days. Or make up. I haven't curled my hair for probably three and a half years, and I'm pretty sure the last time it happened was Halloween. I don't want to be rich. I don't want a high-profile, high paying job. I don't have ambition in the traditional sense of the word. I don't want stuff.

I'm feeling the uniqueness lately, in that I'm feeling a lot like I really, really don't understand most of the people I'm surrounded by. I realize much of that has to do with going to a school that has a really high number of freshmen, and something like a third of those in Greek living. Not that all those people are bad or stupid, or any other such generalization. But I have found, among the many I've met, we tend to have not a single thing in common.

So I'm feeling like I'm pretty weird.

And I'm also remembering that that is totally okay with me. Because, I have totally fought to get here. To believe my own beliefs, to have moved past wanting "success" and the American Dream. To realizing that modern society is kind of fucked. To realizing I don't actually want a place in it. I want a sort of outside place, where I can hide from people at large if I want to, and come out when I don't.

(My anthropology teacher actually made a comment the other day about me not being of the norm. As in, I could be identified by some as "The Other." And I laughed, because I feel that way every day.)

Feline Friday [wk 5]

2011-11-11T07:13:00.004-08:00

They love each other.

Thankful (Thursday) - 2

2011-11-10T18:34:00.000-08:00

I nearly forgot! Thank goodness I indulged in a little narcissism and read my last few blog posts (since I'm so clever and such a good writer, ya know?)

This week, I am wholly and completely grateful for:

- a husband who draws me pictures, just when I need it
- the heater in the bedroom actually working (at least when the door's closed)
- being able to register for classes the first day! (there are pluses to transferring with senior status!)
- yoga classes at the U of I that I can take without paying extra
- my speech teacher being super cute
- also, my English teacher being super cute
- huckleberry wine (just finished my second glass - it's still way tasty)
- getting paid the day I actually need it, and not the day after
- coffee. I may love it more than is entirely appropriate.
- Lola's belly fur. It's the softest.
- new pens. I love pens. So Joseph bought me a pack for a surprise.
- Joseph. again. and still.
- musica.
- anime. (have you ever watched Death Note? you totally should.)

on wine. and growing up.

2011-11-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation with my grandma today. I told her I was going to the store to by a bottle of wine and she said, "Oh, do you drink red or white?" We then proceeded to talk about what kinds of wine we prefer, and how really, we can't tell the difference between cheap and expensive.

(I ended up getting a local huckleberry white. And I am seriously loving it. I had to wait for night Joe works, because he doesn't like fruity wine.)

I never thought I would actually be an adult, but I think a conversation about wine with my paternal grandmother confirms it: I'm officially grown up.

But right now, I'm okay with it. There's wine, and sex, and maybe someday having kids. Not to mention, being able to go anywhere I want (or NOT having to go somewhere I'd rather not...), and no one to tell me I should do my homework before other things (although there is still homework, which is lame), and I can have kitties without permission from my parents...

Yeah, being grown up is not too bad. At least tonight.

pumpkin oatmeal

2011-11-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

Joseph and I slept in this morning, which gave me time to actually make breakfast. Pumpkin oatmeal and hot chocolate ended up keeping me full till nearly six o'clock, which is pretty impressive for my speedy metabolism.

(I normally don't go hours and hours between eating, but waking up late and working a full shift gave me no real choice!)

"people will live differently in different places"

2011-11-08T16:42:00.002-08:00

Spirituality has very much been on my mind lately. Religion. Morality. People being totally fucked.

Because isn't that the general trend of religion? And excuse me if I'm misinterpreting your religion, or faith, or moral code, but frankly I'm tired of trying to see things in their own special context. Here it is in my context: Most religions appear (very much) to me to preach that people and life just aren't good enough on our own. It's always about finding a way out, to the life after, which by default should be much better -- if you've taken if the right steps.

If you haven't jumped through those hoops, well. You're just fucked.

Richard Dawkins: I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

Religion began, from an anthropological view, as a way for people with these brand new cognitive abilities to define the world around them, and their place in it.

Derrick Jensen: A religion is, I think, supposed to teach us how to live (which, if we’re to live sustainably, must also mean that it teaches us how to live in a certain place). Also a religion is supposed to teach us how to connect to the divine. But people will live differently in different places, which means religions must be different in different places, and must emerge from specific places themselves, and not be abstracted from these places. Thus a religion that emerged from the Near East a couple thousand years ago may or may not have been helpful then and there, but quite probably will not apply so well to where I live right now.

I could continue the Derrick Jensen quote, but it's quite long, and then this post would be mostly by him, and not mostly by me (which I prefer). You can, however, go here to read the entire quote. It's a good one.

I don't have a definitive religion. I don't think that's much of a secret. But also, I don't think I'd join one even if there was one that perfectly expressed my ideals and ethics and how I connect to the Divine. I used to think that maybe I'd replace my one-time religious organization with another, if I could find the right one, but now I don't think there is a right one. Not for me.

Here's what I want, and have longed for since I abandoned any faith: I want a place to which I can connect. I want that local Divinity. I want to become a part of it. I want to move in it, and become a part of an ecosystem, something larger than myself.

The whole point of all this (the wrapping-it-all-up, the conclusion, if you will) is that I don't want a religion that tells me that there is something about life that is inherently flawed, and it is something to be transcended or escaped.

Life is pretty crazy, and there is no such thing as perfection in it, really. I'll give you that.

But that is fucking beautiful. If there were such as perfection, what would be left to create? What would be the point, exactly? What exactly happens in that oh-so-perfect afterlife? At least Mormons give themselves the task of creating worlds, as much of a God-complex as that is.

Life is the sacred thing. Creation is an expression of divinity. Place. Place is sacred.

How to reconcile it all?

Review: People of the Book

2011-11-07T12:48:00.000-08:00

The title alone drew me to this book, for what I'd imagine are fairly obvious reasons. And when I was finished with it, it made my list of favorite books (which is quite long, but distinguished.)

I loved the system of moving back and forth between times, telling the story of the Haggadah in bits and pieces. The imagined life of The Book was colorful without being cheesy, and emotionally involving. I loved the characters, and I may have cried once or twice. (I'm not afraid to admit it!)

My only real qualm was the main character's conflict-filled relationship with her mother. I didn't understand why it played such a central role in the main plot line, because it didn't seem to add much to the actual story.

Really, though, such a qualm is small. I highly recommend this book.

Pachacuti

2011-11-06T10:52:00.000-08:00

Last night was supposed to involve Shakespeare and game playing, but plans fell through. Instead, there were pumpkin brownies, Big Sky Brewery's Powder Hound Winter Ale, pasta, and documentaries about various things (including Machu Picchu and dark matter). All in all, it was a fantastic night. Our heaters aren't terribly effective, and we can't afford a space heater quite yet, so we have to stay warm by wrapping ourselves in blankets and cuddling close.

Nostalgia is something that hits me from time to time, and usually I don't think about it. Lately, though, I keep having these dreams with people I haven't seen for years, people that I was close to, or wasn't, people I used to love. It's so strange, waking up and feeling full of that ache for times that I don't even miss. Today I stumbled upon some music I hadn't listened to since my last semester at BYU, and it hit me so hard, this feeling of longing for something that just doesn't exist anymore. Not that I can name a single thing about that time that was good for me (except maybe a pretty steady supply of homemade sauerkraut), but the pull was still there.

Feline Friday [wk 4]

2011-11-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

These two creatures bring me so much joy. All it takes is a glimpse of them peeking at me over the couch, or hearing them mew at each other. I count myself blessed by their presence.

Thankful (Thursday) - 1

2011-11-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

It is November, and I haven't exactly given myself a lot of time to be aware of and grateful for what I have. Don't worry, if you're not a fan of cheesy, my-life-is-the-greatest posts, it'll only last through Thursdays of November. :)

This week, I'm grateful for:
- music that moves my soul
- kitties sprawled all over my bed
- my husband (obvious, but it's one of those things I'll never be able to say enough)
- a home that is simple and enough
- breakfast pastries
- the fall light as it comes through clouds
- leaves. I know I've talked about it so much lately, but the trees are mind-blowing.

I'm the winner!

2011-11-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

Because:

I really am! I won this super awesome little pumpkin brooch offered by the lovely Michael Ann. I am so excited! It's so cute, and just perfect for this fantastic fall season.

I am also a winner, because I have successfully navigated my first test while working, and I'm actually a day or two ahead on a presentation I have to give in English. All while actually socializing over the weekend and for Halloween!

And. I won attention from Rumi and got her to sit in my lap and love me.

I'm getting really good at making coffee drinks again. I've missed it. And I love the people I work with. Another win.

Basically, I choose to look at life as pretty much one big win. It's pretty rockin.

Why are you a winner?

a fall list

2011-11-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

- glorious leaves. I have never seen such colors on trees.
- pink, tingly cheeks
- hot chocolate (also, hot cider, tea, and coffee - not to mention, dirty chai teas)
- warm socks
- cuddling under blankets
- kitties that sleep right on top of me
- rain (I. Love. Rain.)
- sunlight
- cloudlight

I say it pretty constantly this time of year. Fall makes me feel like myself. Even in the midst of midterms and presentations and work, I can feel it. There is something about the feel of fall that opens you up to the world.

If I do nothing else tomorrow, I'd very much like to get some pictures of leaves on trees.

how sweet

2011-10-30T12:43:00.001-07:00

How sweet the sound was in the night
The melodies flowed like water
The women sang of the moon's delight
And the men all sang of honey

My sister-in-law and niece taught me this little song a few nights ago, and I love it. Something about singing with children is kind of magical.

I'm not feeling my best today. I'm such a lightweight; it only takes three drinks to floor me the next morning.

I'm writing a paper on dying languages, but the whole thing has gotten away from me a bit.

Joe's at work today, and I'm supposed to be spending my time doing homework. I have yet to do such a responsible thing.

This week is going to be just as heavy as last week was. Paper, biology test, work, blech.

You should listen to Shearwater. They're pretty neat.

Feline Friday [wk 3]

2011-10-28T05:00:00.004-07:00

delight the world

2011-10-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's a little fuzzy. My baby camera struggles with the light in our house at night.

And generally, the light in our house is pretty lame, except in the library room.

This Throat Comfort tea was my saving grace when I was sick a few weeks ago.

And I completely forgot I took this picture, until I uploaded a bunch a few minutes ago!

What a cute little surprise.

I've been thinking a lot about spirituality lately.

I believe my own will be the subject of a post soon.

(But I make no guarantees.)

Working at Starbucks might be dangerous.

For my wallet, and for my soon-to-be inflated caffeine addiction.

P.S. Today is Sylvia Plath's birthday.

I've been reading poems from Ariel throughout the day.

You should probably go here and read this poem.

It's pretty mind-blowing.

I'm thinking I need to read The Bell Jar again soon.

om shanti

2011-10-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

Not one, but two posts on my yoga blog today! Look at me go :)

This week is going to be filled with kitty loving, a sick husband, biology studying, anthropology tests, speech giving, paper writing, and actually working shifts at the new Starbucks (which officially opens Thursday, I think).

It's not all in the same day, so I'll call it good.

remembering to practice

2011-10-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty stuck in the "eat, sleep, homework, school" routine, and haven't given myself time for much else. Yoga has suffered, as has meditation and writing and being outdoors. It wouldn't be a big deal, but when I get stuck in a rut, I get really stuck in a rut.

I need wilderness. I need expression. I need to be able to let go of work and school sometimes.

I was reminded of this today when I got out my yoga mat for the first time in, oh, two months. The simple, quiet flow was enough to rekindle this recognition of the fact that I need to take care of myself spiritually.

As I go through the second half of the semester, I'm going to make more of an effort to include my spiritual practice in my routine. I'm going to be gentle and kind, I'm going to open myself to feeling wonder, and I'm going to remember the depth of my own soul.

self-portrait, of sorts

2011-10-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

Self-portrait as in, they're all pictures of me. Joseph actually took all of these. I just like them.

Feline Friday [wk 2]

2011-10-21T05:55:00.000-07:00

What? I'm the cutest thing you've ever seen?

I know :)

Review: The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay

2011-10-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

My brother and sister in law gave me this book for my birthday, because they love it. And for good reason. I'd never read anything by Michael Chabon before, so it was neat to discover such an awesome writer. His writing is structured so beautifully, but without being flowery or over the top. It's an accessible story, with human, lovable characters. But seriously, the writing was so good! I read reviews complaining about the long, detailed sentences, but I thought they were magnificent. They took you right into the situation without being overwhelming, and they're written with a really impressive language.

I would definitely recommend it. The story is endearing (and taught me a crapload about the history of comic books), and it really effectively took me into a time and culture I will never be able to actually experience and helped me understand it better. I don't think it gets better than that.

the scene

2011-10-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Literally the only thing I miss about living in Provo (other than the mountains, of course) is the local music scene. I used to go to shows with my roommates all the time, and I loved it. It helped having friends in bands, of course. It was also really cool to have that connection with a band and watch its evolution.

Case in point: Desert Noises just released a new album. I haven't followed them at all since I moved, but every once in awhile I listen to their first album, which I have on my ipod. (I went to that release show with a gentleman friend years ago, and it was so fun.) I used to love watching their shows. Love, love, love. They're probably the only band I wish I had followed. As it turns out, they've gotten pretty big in the indie scene, and are doing a national tour. Rockin, right?

So, you should go here to listen to this new album. It streams free! So exciting. And so good! Up the Mountain is my favorite, I think. It's also on sale on iTunes, should you become so attached to it. (I'm thinking it will be a purchase for me in the future...)

today I'm enamored with

2011-10-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

Today I'm enamored with:

little shoots of grass in sidewalk cracks

Rumi (who was feeling yucky, but is better today,

as evidenced by her running around the house like a crazy thing)

red leaves with drops of rain water clinging to them

Krishna Das

coffee warming my belly

my biology lab only lasting twenty-five minutes

the possibility of taking a nap

wool socks (I need lots more)

the heater

getting down my big comfy blankets to wrap up in

pictures of animals

braids

wood stoves (I wish we had one!)

Young Adult Books

2011-10-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

I don't love a lot of books in the young adult genre. They tend to really, really irritate me. But my sister and I were talking about what books I think she should read, and I realized that there are some young adult books that are crazy good! Here are my favorites:

His Dark Materials, the trilogy from Philip Pullman. These are some of my favorite books ever, let alone in the young adult genre. I've read them probably four times now, and I was just thinking earlier maybe I'd like to read them again soon...

Trolls Trilogy, from Nancy Farmer. They're set in the Dark Ages of England, right as Christianity is getting really, really big. Clashes of religion, lifestyle, beliefs all abound, and are articulated so beautifully. I came away feeling like a better person for having read these books.

The Gemma Doyle Trilogy by Libba Bray. Don't be turned off by the stupid covers (I was, for a really long time.) Strong female characters, magic, suspense, passion - they're fantastic.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It might be necessary to concede that yes, there are drugs in this book. There's also lots of talk of masturbation. That being said, it is absolutely, 100% worth reading. It's deep, and sad, and intimate. It provides a look at a worldview that is beautiful.

Howl's Moving Castle is completely different from the film, first and foremost. But, it's just as good. It's beautiful. You should definitely read it.

parenthesis

2011-10-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

Looking through my journals for the past few years is an interesting experience. There are some entries that I completely forgot about, and it's so exciting to stumble back upon them. There are also some entries that make feel a little squishy, because I felt wrong about writing them. Specifically, I knew I was lying to myself. There are just times where you're coming to the truth, working your way there, but you can't let go of all of the illusion yet.

Specifically, I remember writing an entry about my feelings about letting go of my faith. I was still struggling with the idea of it, and I remember feeling like there weren't things I was ready to let go of. Mostly, the need to be saved. I actually made a list of things I believed for myself, and as I wrote about believing in a savior, I remember internally cringing. But I couldn't not write it.

Obviously I've come to terms with that, and learned to be more honest with myself. But I still wonder, what are those things I'm not letting go of right now, what am I lying to myself about? It's easy to ignore the possibility, because I'm busy and content.

So I'm going to pay closer attention. What things do I profess to believe or think to be true, but actually make me cringe inside? I'm going to pay attention to that internal cringing, and give it the due it deserves.

Feline Friday [wk 1]

2011-10-14T07:30:00.002-07:00

kiss the earth

2011-10-13T12:39:00.002-07:00

go visit my newest post on my yoga blog!

(don't worry, it's a short one.)

wedding ring.

2011-10-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

Joe and I decided on wood rings for our wedding rings, because we wanted something different and us. It was also important to us to consider the social impact of the material of the ring that represented our bond, so we decided to do wood, although we did consider recycled metal. Wood won out because it just felt more like the connection we have. We've always bonded over the natural world, ever since we met, and these express that.

Unfortunately, there have been some issues with mine. But, one year later, I have officially received the second copy of my wedding ring! And I've got a feeling this will be the true one, the one I will keep forever.

Should you ever be inclined to purchase a wood ring, I highly, highly suggest Touch Wood Rings. They're the most fabulous people to work with! Nicola and David are friendly and warm and open, and even though I've only communicated with them through email, I pretty much love them.

When I got my ring, it was just the tiniest bit too small, and they were so good about resizing it and getting it back to me, and it was so affordable. Unfortunately, the resizing actually weakened the structure of the ring, and it got an uber-crack. So sad. I sent it back to them, to see if they could fix it. They tried, but were pretty sure it was too damaged to continue wearing, so they made me a whole new ring.

These people have some fantastic karma. I could not be more grateful to them for being so easy to work with, and so generous with their time! I got my new ring today, and it is so beautiful and full of love. I can feel it. (Also, it fits perfectly - hurrah!)

spicy hot chocolate

2011-10-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

Hot chocolate, tea and coffee are pretty much the only things I want to drink once the rain hits and the leaves turn. Joe went over to his brother's last night, so I took the opportunity to make myself some spicy hot chocolate. (Are you figuring out the theme to my chocolate adventures, lately? I like it spicy, oh yeah.) Then I thought, everyone should drink spicy hot chocolate! So here's the recipe:

2 servings:

2 C milk

2 tbsp sweetened cocoa

(sweetened because that's what I have on hand,

but you could easily replace with unsweetened and honey or something)

1 tsp cinnamon

1/8 tsp cayenne

1 tsp vanilla

Toss it all in a pan or pot of some kind, and heat to the desired temperature, whisking a lot.

That's about it!

It's not very sweet, and it's pretty spicy. That's how I prefer it, but obviously it can (and should) be adjusted to suit your own taste.

Let me know what you think if you make it!

technicolor

2011-10-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

This is what I'll be doing pretty much all day:

drinking tea and doing homework.

Life could be worse :)

zoom in

2011-10-10T23:13:00.000-07:00

hobo

2011-10-09T11:33:00.002-07:00

the anniversary was yesterday.

it consisted of eggs and toast,

driving, with music,

exploring new places,

(which are super awesome, and

easily of the top ten most beautiful forests

I have ever seen.)

there was also a cheeseburger

at a random little cafe

in Troy, ID (pop. 780, or something).

then home, cake from this recipe,
a bottle of wine, and The Office.

I love this man :)

as of right now

2011-10-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

This is what the whole house has looked like for the past week. Books, papers, hot chocolate and coffee mugs.

The cats have this thing about paper, as most cats do. They love it. So of course, if we're sitting at the table with books and papers spread out, they will commandeer the books and papers. Just to sit on them. I love it.

Just finished a biology test. And I got a job at a Starbucks they're putting in on campus. Not ideal, but it's a job. I think they might expect me to take out my nose ring, though, which sucks. And I have to buy like three pairs of pants, and some shoes. Boo.

National Book Month

2011-10-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

October is National Book Month. I know, who would have guessed I could find another month or week dedicated to the printed word? It's the best!

A fraction of the list of books I'd like to read someday:

- In the Time of Butterflies by Julia Alvarez
- The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende
- March by Geraldine Brooks
- People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks
- The Angel's Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
- Kidnapping the Lorax by Patricia Lichen
- The Hero With A Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell
- Myths to Live By by Joseph Campbell
- Yoga Bitch by Suzanne Morrison
- Junky by William S. Burroughs
- The Animal Dialogues by Craig Childs
- Never Cry Wolf by Farley Mowat
- Eco-Amazons: 20 Women Who Are Changing the World by Dorka Keehn
- Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey
- No Cure for Nature by Dan Scwartz
- In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto by Michael Pollan
- Biophilia by E.O. Wilson
- Siddartha by Herman Hesse
- The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco
- A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
- The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
- One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
- Lord of the Flies by William Golding
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey

It never gets any shorter!

cheese and crackers

2011-10-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

As I was rummaging through my fridge a few moments ago, I heard myself speaking in an indistinguishable, terribly pulled off European accent. I can't even guess as to which part of Europe, that's how bad it was. (And yes, I was talking to myself, as Joe is at work and the cats were in the other room.)

Obviously I stopped immediately and thought, "What the hell? Where did that come from?"

It hit me that, oh. I got that from Joe. Among other things, I have picked up his habit of speaking in really terrible accents. There was a time that picking up mannerisms from other people sort of bugged me. It felt inauthentic. But when I stumble upon these things I've gotten from Joe, it kind of makes my day.

It's really nice, feeling like I belong. I don't feel that often, or easily. It's something I've been struggling with a little bit lately, the feeling of not belonging. I know part of it is being away from my family, and a lot of it is not having friends here (other than Justin and Angie with whom I feel very much at home. I love them). But there's a bigger part of it, too, that makes me think that maybe I prioritize things differently. I don't care much about impressions, especially in the last few years. I don't care about what people think of me, mostly. Certain people, of course. Professors, a few peers. But mostly, I don't connect with people.

So, back to the point. Having Joe, with whom I completely belong, is totally wonderful. I am so lucky to have found this person. And I'm sure you're all sick of hearing me go on about it, but hooray! I belong somewhere, with someone. That's worth celebrating.

anthropology and neighborhood cats

2011-10-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

There are so many thoughts rushing around in my brain.
Don't you love how rainy days do that, make you think?
(Don't you just love rainy days in general?
Perfect for hot chocolate. Alas, we have no milk)

In anthropology today, we spent almost an entire class period on race. It's not a biological classification; it's a cultural construct that can change between cultures and throughout time. I really like my teacher. She has hair down to her ass (so jealous!) and she moves her hands a lot. Plus, she did a whole crapload of fieldwork in Peru, and studies archaeological evidence of disasters. Like tsunamis and volcanic eruption. Pretty much, the woman's my new hero.

I spend a good portion of my walks to and from campus looking for the kitties I've made friends with, either through windows or face to face. The girl in the apartment next to us has a little kitty that hangs out on a window seat, and recognizes me when I walk up to the building. There's a really pretty tortoiseshell that hangs out in the windows of the cutest little green house, and a friendly gray and white one that lives on the same block that lets me pet him sometimes. I always point them out to Joseph if he's with me.

cheesy love quotes [part 4]

2011-10-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

I loved you madly; in the distasteful work of the day, in the wakeful misery of the night, girded by sordid realities, or wandering through Paradises and Hells of visions into which I rushed, carrying your image in my arms, I loved you madly.

- Charles Dickens

The winds were warm about us, the whole earth seemed the wealthier for our love.

- Harriet Prescott Spofford

"We are all born for love," said Morley. "It is the principle of existence, and its only end."

- Benjamin Disrailey

end of the month

2011-09-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe how quickly September has flown by! I always feel like this at the end of a season (and thus always at the end of September) but this year it's been particularly intense. And summer is truly ended I think, at least here. Except I walked outside to put out some (more) applications, and the temperature had gone up like fifteen degrees since I got home from school!

Today is one of those days where I have a crapload of things I need to get done, and a crapload of time in which to do those things. But I just have such a tiny amount of motivation it's ridiculous.

Things I have done:
- pinned 8,745 things on Pinterest.
- cleaned our bedroom, including hanging up all the clothes, but not including vacuuming
- put out a few applications, picked up a few more, and harassed the workers of the coffee shop I want to work at (but I bought iced tea, so I think that makes up for it).
- checked Facebook, oh, six times, even though the new layout irritates me every time (do I really need three different feeds? it's like the original newsfeed on crack, which also makes me feel super attention-deficit) and there's never anything new.
- killed a GIANT hobo that ended up in Joe's sock drawer at the top of our closet. How it got up there I have no idea because it's like six feet off the ground! And it was closed! Man, I'm so glad I didn't start putting the socks away before I noticed it. I couldn't even take a picture because it gave me the heebies so bad. I'm not normally such a weenie about spiders (I kind of like them, and almost never kill them) but hobos are sick - so freaking nasty - and I got this weird feeling that it had been watching me through the drawer. I don't want to talk about it anymore.
- started the dishes.
- taken a half-hour sort-of-nap (the kind where you're pretty sure you have linear thought the whole time you're laying down but you open your eyes and half an hour has gone by).

Things I should really do:
- finish the dishes. I hate them so much.
- clean the living room. After the bedroom, the living room wouldn't actually take that much effort. But I don't wanna.
- start my rough draft for my paper, because it's due Monday and Joseph's at work right now so now would be the perfect time to work on it.
- read my next chapter for Bio. Again, I should take advantage of Joe not being here and do something constructive so we can play this weekend.

And, a nifty thing that happened to me today! I was getting out of bed this morning, and in trying not to step on Lola I stepped right onto and overturned high heel. The bottom of my foot is pretty impressively bruised, and there's a lovely strip of skin waiting to fall off. It hurts, and I've been limping pretty theatrically all day. But not on purpose.

However, I have a job interview on Monday, and our first anniversary is in a week! Oh my gosh! I'm excited.

Banned Books Week [part 2]

2011-09-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

Still loving this week. Did you know that in edition to Banned Books Week, it's also National Coffee Week? Not that I need an excuse to celebrate drinking coffee (it's one of the only things about being an adult that I feel like I can fully embrace.)

So, anyway. I found this post about Banned Books Week that I thought was really very good. I highly suggest reading it, it's definitely worth the couple of minutes you'll invest.

The highlight of my day? I totally skipped my communications class and went to Idler's Rest with Joe for some emotional rejuvenation. We totally irked a squirrel, who chirped about us to all his little squirrel buddies for several minutes. Squirrels are weird creatures.

I'm not sure how well you'll be able to hear it. My camera doesn't do very well when it comes to volume. And Joe was standing on a log to take this, so give him a break about the wobbliness. (He's a little sensitive, since I've already teased him about it!)

I also saw one of the largest fungi I've ever seen growing on a tree trunk. I realize now I should have put something by it for scale, because you can't actually see how big it is, but alas! You'll just have to trust me. It was quite large.

cheesy love quotes [part 3]

2011-09-28T12:15:00.001-07:00

I love him to hell and back and heaven and back, and have and do and will.

-Sylvia Plath

Indeed.

little lola cat

2011-09-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

Lola and I had a little photo shoot the other day. I don't remember what was out there, but she was pretty intensely set on getting out the window to get it. In the top picture, you can just barely see the kitty climbing out the window across the street. Really, it just looks like a black spot at the corner of the window, but I promise it's a kitty. I actually zoomed in and got a picture of it, but then I realized that that's a little creepy. So I deleted that one.

Isn't she the prettiest little thing? And soft, too. I love her.

I was thinking that night about Elvis.

2011-09-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'm avoiding chemistry homework. So I put together this little playlist of songs that have come up on shuffle tonight. I love them all. Alela Diane and Laura Marling just came out with new albums, but I haven't gotten them yet. I wish I had them. Also, I recently found The Greencards, and I really like them.

Someday I will own a banjo. And I will play it, too.

Also. Can I own these tights someday? Please? Because they're pretty amazing. And it's fall, and what could it make it more fall time? Oh! Tights!

Can you tell I'm putzing? (I learned that word from my husband, who learned it from his father. Not sure where he got it.)

I should have put some Gillian Welch on that playlist. You should go listen to her new album, also. (Which I do have! Whoo!)

Let's see... We made curried lentil soup for dinner. Curry's a pretty big staple in our house, actually. We go through more curry paste and powder than pretty much anyone I know.

The birthday cake is gone, and I'm sad about that. But I still have frosting, so I'll have to figure out some way to utilize that.

Okay, fine. Homework. Have I mentioned that I hate chemistry? Also, isn't it humorous that I'm twenty three years old, and still procrastinating homework?

Banned Books Week

2011-09-26T12:22:00.002-07:00

Yet another reason that September is the best month ever! This year Banned Books Week is Sept. 24-Oct. 1, and it's one of my favorite weeks all year.

Here are a few widely challenged or banned books that I haven't read, but would love to:
- The Color Purple by Alice Walker (saw the move and loved it, why haven't I read the book yet?)
- I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
- The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinback
- The Lord of the Flies by William Golding
- Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov (I actually just started this at my brother-in-law's the other day - so excited!)
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
- Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence
- In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
- The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie
- Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs
- Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
- The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
- The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende

And some of my favorite challenged of banned books, all of which I highly recommend reading:
- His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman
- A Wrinkle In Time by Madeleine L'Engle
- The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie (apparently this was the number two most challenged book of 2010 - seriously?)
- The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
- Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
- For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway
- Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
- Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
- Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
- The Giver by Lois Lowry
- Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya

Doesn't it blow your mind that people felt so anxious about the content about some of these books that they petitioned to have them removed from public and school libraries? And isn't it ironic that most of the books out there that have been banned or challenged are actually really quality and deeply moving books?

I got all of my information about banned and challenged books from the American Library Association. You should definitely go look at their website. Look at the lists of challenged books, you might be really surprised.

Idler's Rest

2011-09-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

Since my birthday involved some horrible things like speeches and tests, not much was done for it. I opened gifts (more on that to come, because they were awesome!) and we went exploring. We took a wrong turn on the way to Moscow Mountain and stumbled upon Idler's Rest nature preserve, which was a damn good find. It's got like three different trails, all through a fantastic forest. We might go back today, depending on the weather (and homework, ugh). It's only a ten minute drive, so there will be many trips up there, I think.

I'm excited to keep exploring this place. I have yet to be disappointed by any of our finds, and everything is so nearby! It takes no time at all to get to some seriously magical places.

cheesy love quotes [part 2]

2011-09-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

I am so close, I may look distant.
So completely mixed with you, I may look separate.
So out in the open, I appear hidden.
So silent, because I am constantly talking with you.

- Rumi

I love Rumi's poetry. (I know. It's hardly original for me to claim this. But that's perfectly okay with me, because I still love it.)

Joe and I bonded over Rumi pretty deeply when our relationship was still in the developing stages (pretty obvious, since we named our cat after him!), so every time I rediscover his poetry it takes me right back to then. I love that feeling of nostalgia, being reminded of those early times when we were just opening up to our depth of emotion for each other. We used this poem as a sort of theme for our wedding, and I referenced this one in my vows.

And it's all still so perfect. Every time I go back and read those and other poems, they still resonate with me, but now at an even deeper level. It's incredible to me that I have been able to open so much to this experience.

it's all in the bag

2011-09-23T13:56:00.001-07:00

I had to give a "get to know you" speech yesterday, using three objects that represented my past, present and future. A little bit silly, yes, but it was a lot of fun deciding what to use to represent myself. Obviously my first thought went to books, since I have books from literally every point in my life. And I very nearly went with that, but I decided I wanted to do something more specific. Something more related to an event I could talk about, instead of just spilling my guts about my childhood.

For my past, I picked this painting I got in Guatemala. It's Lake Atitlan, a place in Guatemala I felt very connected to. And it was a good choice, because it gave me the opportunity to talk about a specific experience I had in the past, as opposed to making some arbitrary generalization.

I made this little book for Joe for Valentine's Day this year, and I decided to use it as my present. Almost one year married, hoorah!

And these rocks were meant to represent my future. I did let things get a little squishy here, because I don't know how to talk about my future without referring to my major in Environmental Science. It's pretty much the only direction I have for a life path at the moment (outside of raising one or two little chitlins, someday), and it's more to me than just a major. So I talked about how rocks represent the Earth, and I keep them around because they remind me of the connection I feel to it, and how that's really what I want to do with my future - help people realize their own connection to it.

It was all sort of cheesy, of course. Personal life speeches always are, and it gives me anxiety to be required to open up to a group of people I don't know and have no particular feelings for. I'm glad this was the format of the speech, actually, because it made it easier for me to compartmentalize what I wanted to say, and what I didn't feel comfortable discussing. And it helped me realize that I can express that connection and wish for the future without sounding... I don't know, a little silly? I don't think I sounded silly talking about my connection to the Earth. I think I sounded genuine, and that was a pretty cool discovery.

I didn't want it anyway.

2011-09-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling the sore disappointment tonight. I did not get the job I interviewed for today. I don't even know how badly I wanted it, but not getting it sucks so much! I was in the last five interviewed, so it feels even crappier. I have a feeling I know exactly what I did in my interview that did it, and I feel like a dummy.

Plus, today's the equinox, one of my absolute favorite days of the year! And I didn't do a thing to celebrate it. No yoga. No sun anything, except sitting in it in the window of a bus.

Traveling on a bus always feels a little bit like an adventure, even it's not very far, or very exciting. Today it was an adventure of learning new things: how fish actually travel on a fish ladder at a dam, how they get the baby fish out to the river, the fact that hydroelectric power provides electricity to the majority of the Northwest. And there was some adventuring in making new friends, which left me feeling pretty warm and fuzzy. So I am grateful for that.

And I think I did okay on my chem test, so there's that, too.

And tomorrow's my birthday, although I'm sure you were already aware of that (due to my incessant harping).

And, happy International Peace Day. We could all use a little more of that, I think. May you have lots of peace this equinox evening, and the rest of this transitional and beautiful season.

Love.

September 21

2011-09-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

Here's my schedule for tomorrow:

8:30 - 9:30 - Biology class (and I have to go because I slept in Monday)
9:30 - 11:00 - study for chemistry test
11:00-5:00 - field trip to a dam for my environmental science class
5:00-5:30 - race home, shower, eat, all in time for
5:30 - 6:30 - the hour I have to show up for a follow up interview at a coffee shop here in town (and that's literally the only time they have to interview before they make the decision Thursday morning!)
6:30 - 7:00 race back home, get all my shit together and go up onto campus
7:00 - 8:15 - take chemistry test
8:15 - bedtime - study for anthropology test AND put together a speech, both for Thursday.

I hate tomorrow already. When am I going to eat dinner??

Not to mention, tomorrow's the equinox and I so wanted to get in some serious yoga time! My heart is breaking a little bit. Maybe after the test, I'll squeeze some time in there for myself.

let's be button buddies

2011-09-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

I decided to do the button thing! I have one on the side there, for anyone to grab at will, and I'd be happy to put anyone else's up! Let me know, and we can be button buddies. (Ha! Alliteration!)

cheesy love quotes [part 1]

2011-09-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.

-Sir Hugh Walpole

It is officially less than one month from our first-year anniversary, and I feel entitled to post cheesy love quotes until I'm blue in the face.

With all the celebrating this weekend, I do feel particularly blessed by this divine accident I've come into with Joseph. Tears have flown these last few days (but in a good way.) It is indeed the most wonderful thing in my life.

(Yeah, there they are again. Dammit.)

birthday weekend

2011-09-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

It hasn't even happened yet, but my birthday this year is a good one.

We spent the weekend celebrating Joseph's and my birthdays, together, because they're so close and it makes sense with our hectic school schedules this week. There was a trip to Arby's (Joe's choice, not mine!) and gift giving on Friday (I got him a video game and a Star Wars dvd).

Then there was cake baking, including a little bit of rum and lots of cake batter on the wall. I decided to wait till the next day to make the frosting. (Which was also an adventure, but not an inebriated one.)

Justin and Angie and their girls came over for dinner and cake yesterday. Eight rolls of homemade vegetable sushi (mostly because I don't trust fish from the store), a bottle of rose champagne and a Columbia Crest syrah. Joe even created a firecracker sauce. It was a really good dinner, if I do say so myself.

And the cake was such a fantastic success! I don't think I've ever actually made a cake from scratch, so it was an adventure and a half. Joe wanted chocolate, so I demanded my choice of frosting. I'm not the biggest fan of chocolate. But! This recipe, for both the chocolate cake and the salted caramel frosting were so amazing.

Also, hooray for birthday gifts! Real wine glasses, and a new book! I swoon. I love getting presents early.

The best part? My birthday's not even till Thursday! I love this month.

Aztec Chocolate cookies.

2011-09-15T19:38:00.001-07:00

I made up a recipe today: Aztec Chocolate cookies. That's what I'm calling them for now. They're kind of like spicy hot chocolate in cookie form, and they are so. tasty. I may have gone a little overboard with the cayenne, however, so they need to be eaten with milk. (Not that that's a bad thing, since they are chocolate, and it is milk and cookies.) Next time, I will definitely err on the side of less spice.

I'll take pictures of the next batch. And maybe post a recipe, if I bother to write down measurements and such.

It was windy and cloudy all day, and that is the best kind of day for baking. And soup-making. We had cheesy potato cauliflower soup for dinner, also a creation.

Speaking of creating food, have you ever seen My Drunk Kitchen on Youtube? You should definitely look it up. I laughed till I almost peed.

Joe's been spending lots of time at the library studying and I miss him oodles. But tomorrow's his birthday, and I'm making him take some time off to play.

I got three items in the mail today, and I am so excited about it! I love getting stuff in the mail. A book (which was free - hooray!), a postcard from the Read With Me coordinator, Nadia, and the darn cutest birthday card from my sister.

I am so filled up right now. The rain and the mail couldn't have come on a better day.

rain, rain

2011-09-15T08:49:00.001-07:00

I dreamed about a blue farmhouse with a porch, and uncut grass and corn growing in the rain.

I woke up to Joe putting on a jacket.

"What are you doing?" I asked, because it's been in the nineties the last weeks.

"It's raining."

And I heard it, out the window. It is raining. It's making the cats go crazy and filling my house with its smell. Rain just smells like wet dirt and concrete, but I love it. It smells like winter in California. It smells like being a little kid.

bimbling

2011-09-14T18:11:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling the need for something wild. A storm, maybe. Skinny dipping, if I could find a place. Yoga on a mountain, under a tree. I've been too stuck in place, lately. I need rain or an adventure or something.

For now, this song helps.

thinspiration my ass.

2011-09-11T17:25:00.001-07:00

I hate shit like this. Hate hate hate it.

Reasons:

1. It's horribly offensive. To think that putting condescending notes on top of pictures of model-grade bodies is inspirational? Really?

2. Most women will never have bodies that look like this. Most women should never have bodies that look like this. It's falling right back into the media scheme that women should have bodies that look a certain way, and anything that doesn't isn't good enough.

4. NO ONE SHOULD EAT TO BE THIN. Eat to be healthy.

5. What a ridiculous thing the makers of these pictures assume! That someone who is having trouble getting "skinny" because they aren't working hard enough. Maybe it's because their body doesn't naturally look like that.

6. Let's consider where most of these kinds of pictures actually come from. Blogs with names like "iwontstoptillimskinny" or, "helpmegetthin." Never, ever, will I look at a place like that for inspiration to be healthy.

I hate shit like this because it. is. wrong. Want a body like that? Get different genes. It breaks my heart to see messages like this being sent when there is already so much beauty out there. Not to mention, don't we live in a time of empowered women? If we're really empowered, why are we subscribing to such a one-track notion of beauty, health and fitness? We should be empowered to rock what comes naturally to us.

Like Crystal Renn.

Or Adele. I don't particularly care for her music, but the woman is beautiful.

September 11th

2011-09-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

Generally I avoid posting on this day of the year. My feelings are complicated, and I don't plan on trying to unravel them here. For several reasons, among them the fact that I don't think I'd get very happy responses. And that's fine, of course, since by putting my thoughts out there in this public venue I feel it's necessary to allow for public responses. But today I don't want them, so I'm keeping to myself.

However, I did come across this article by Noam Chomsky, which I thought was pretty insightful, and makes clear some of my feelings, so I'm going to risk posting it. Please let me know your response, if you do read it.

birth photography

2011-09-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of blown away. Just today I said something to Joe about how if I were ever to go into photography, I would want to birth photography. I had no idea if that even existed, but the thought entered my head that that could be such a beautiful opportunity to capture emotions and events that are so, so intense. To be able to do that for someone, and to be present at such an incredible event, would be amazing.

Enter: http://www.dfwbirthphotographer.com/

It does exist, in fact, and it is just as beautiful as I thought it would be. How crazy is it that I found this today, literally the day I first thought about it?

I love things like this.

new endeavors

2011-09-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

Joseph went on a man-date tonight, so I sat at home and painted my first ever watercolor.

(As in, I'm feeling a little funny, and I've literally never painted in my life. So. Don't judge. Thanks.)

It's my reading chair in the library room! With my prayer flags over it.

This actually makes me really happy. (Please excuse the horrible night time pictures.)

back to school

2011-09-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

I don't think I realized just how much I missed school. I will never for one second regret dropping out, even though I missed some of the coolest classes I can even imagine taking. In fact, the semester I had lined up is probably a dream semester: Mayan writing, Eastern Religion (in the context of the "restored gospel" I don't even believe in, but still), and Ancient Mayan civilization. I gave that up. Seriously. Part of me still wants to hit myself on the forehead.

But the fact is, I was not happy. Go back to my posts from three years ago. Look at how I talked. About myself, about life, about the world. I was, quite literally, emotionally unstable. Going to BYU was the single worst decision I've ever made, and I'm sticking to that evaluation. I wasn't ready for college. I thought I was. I was so excited to go to school, to find my passions, to learn. I love to learn.

It didn't turn out anything like I thought I would. I couldn't be in a healthy relationship, let alone friendships; I couldn't get myself to class most of the time, let alone do the homework. I was in the wrong place for me, and I finally let myself realize it, and I let myself leave. I will never, ever regret that decision.

I ran away. And I would do it again.

Words of wisdom from Hugh Prather:
"Surely this must be an ancient proverb: if the situation is killing you, get the hell out."

The last two and a half years of my life have been some of the best. I went to Central America, I left the religion I grew up in (not to mention the entire spiritual heritage of Christianity), I married Joseph, I moved like six times. It's kind of gone full circle. Leaving school was the catalyst, and it's all brought me back to school.

And this time, it's better. I can already feel it. I don't know that I "belong" here any more than I belonged at BYU. I don't know that that's entirely relevant. I'm happy. I'm emotionally well. I'm madly in love with life, maybe more than ever before. I'm ready to go back to school, to rediscover my passions and to learn how to apply them in what may someday become a career. I love being in a situation where I am spending time officially learning, and where I am able to learn about myself as well. But there's no way I'm letting go of or letting myself forget what I learned when I was out of school. It all works together.

I'm excited to be back in school. It feels nurturing. The routine, the homework, going to class. It feels comfortable. And I love that it can be like that.

An article I found relatable (and that I really loved): Who Are You and What Are You Doing Here?

September

2011-09-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

September is my favorite month for several reasons:

1. It's the month of my love's birthday.

2. It's also the month of my birthday!

3. It's the month of the autumnal equinox (on which my birthday often falls).*

4. It's National Yoga Month.*

5. Today (which is in September, obviously) is International Literacy Day.

6. Today is also Pardon Day. Take the chance to do some forgiving!

7. September is when it really starts to feel like fall, and I'm a fall girl for sure. (Even though today is supposed to reach 97.)

8. I have been officially married to Joseph for 11 months today. Only a month until our first anniversary!

9. The leaves are going to start turning! And I'm excited, because I'm formulating a project based on leaves and other little collectibles from outdoors,

10. It's finally starting to feel like I belong in school again.

*I'm going to squish these two together and do a special yoga practice on the equinox, including 108 sun salutations. You're more than welcome to join me! Please let me know if you do!

new places

2011-09-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

My husband can levitate. Pretty cool, no?

My library room!

I'm so in love with this room. It's sunny and warm and full of books. It's the kitties' favorite also.

And le kitchen. The yellow stove is actually gone, we've got a fancy new white one now.

The only thing I really don't like about the new apartment is that the living room has no windows, so no sunlight in here. That's why there are no pictures. Also, we can't paint, and that makes me very sad. I think the kitchen would be so pretty in yellow.

All is Wild, All is Silent

2011-09-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

I would suggest you go read this article. I crack up every time, and I've probably read it twenty times, since I'm using it for my first paper in English. It's very, very good. And elucidating. My friend Josie can probably share a number of similar stories, since she's been teaching ESL for several years now.

Also, listen to this song. It's so freaking good. I've been listening to them a lot today while I've been writing. Look them up. Love them. Please?

I love these creatures. (Also, this picture's a little old. That pile of boxes doesn't exist anymore, to my constant gratitude.)

Deep dish cheese pizza,

Cherry Coke,

and Ticket to Ride.

It's a good day.

nature walkin, part 2

2011-09-04T16:57:00.000-07:00

These are all from Kamiak Butte, just over the border in Eastern Washington. It was a really neat little place, with a not too difficult hike available. We definitely plan on going back.

nature walkin

2011-09-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

We've been hiking a few different places since we've been here. This place is just north of Moscow, but for the life of me I can't remember the name of the place! It was such a nice surprise, to cross a river and suddenly be hiking on a path in a super lush forest. Ferns, everywhere. Fat pieces of moss growing off tree branches? Yep, we have those too. It might take me a little while to get used to things like this.

We made a friend. Isn't he cute?

in which I eavesdrop

2011-09-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

I have this really bad habit of eavesdropping on people's conversations. At least, Joseph says it's a bad habit. I just think it's fun.

A few snippets I heard today:

"I didn't sleep at all last night I was so psyched about the football game! I've been super pumped all day. Whoo!!" -some sorority girl I was walking in front of after class

(This one is paraphrased because it was actually a long story I only heard snippets of. Needless to say, I was cracking up. But not audibly.) "Well, see, she's Mormon and she's at BYU, and she just got married. But seriously, do you have to get married? Why can't you just be in love and have sex and do whatever you want? I mean, I know that's what's expected of her. But why does it have to be expected? If that's what they want to do, fine, whatever, but they shouldn't have to do it, right? ...You know they're going to have at least one kid in the next two years. At least. ...I asked her why she's even in school, if she's not going to do anything with it. If you just want to learn, why not just hang out at home and read books? It's not like you have to have a professor to learn. Seriously, though, why did she get married?"

Am I creepy? Honestly? Also, does anyone know where the word "eavesdropping" came from? Consider it literally. Why does the word "eavesdropping" mean listening in on people's conversations without them knowing.

Well, according to the Word Detective:

So, to begin at the beginning, the “eaves” of a house or building are the parts of the roof that extend beyond the walls of the structure. (Occasionally you’ll hear the bits of an attic deep under the slanty part of the roof called “the eaves,” but that’s not really correct.) The word “eaves” comes from the Old English “efes,” meaning “edge of a roof.” The “s” on our modern “eaves” is carried over from the Old English word and did not originally denote a plural form, but it was interpreted that way (so “eaves” takes a plural verb) and today it is not uncommon to hear references to a single “eave.”

The purpose of “eaves,” in the days before gutters were common, was to carry rainwater away from the foundation of the house (where, as any homeowner knows, it can play all sorts of mischief with the structural integrity of the building). The use of eaves in building houses is ancient, and by an equally ancient custom houses could not be built within two feet of a property line lest the rainwater shed from the eaves cause problems for a neighbor.

This eaves-deep zone around a house or other building where water from the roof was likely to drip was known in Old English as the “yfesdrype” or “eavesdrip,” which later was modified to “eavesdrop.” So, at first, “eavesdrop” was a place, not an action. But, human nature being what it is, snoops quickly discovered that if they wished to find out what their neighbors were up to, the “eavesdrop” near an open window was the place to stand and listen. Thus, by the early 1600s, “to eavesdrop” meant “to stand in the eavesdrop of a house to hear conversations within” and, more generally, “to listen to private conversations” by any means.

U-Pick Flowers

2011-09-01T11:18:00.000-07:00

There's this really cute place outside of Moscow where a woman grows flowers and lets you pick your own for seven dollars. It's on their little family farm that was homesteaded in the late nineteenth century. (Why doesn't my family have a homesteaded farm!?) She was a super sweet lady, and we got enough flowers to fill four vases full to overflowing. Fresh flowers are a really great way to settle into a new place.

chalkboard paint

2011-08-31T19:21:00.001-07:00

Would you believe I tried to upload all my pictures onto the computer but the camera battery was dead?

Because it's true.

Why I love being married to Joseph, reason #1*:

I sing more around him. Not sing sing, I haven't done that in years. (I do miss it, don't worry.) But random stuff, things I make up, or don't really know the words to, or some annoying hymn that's stuck in my head - definitely don't miss those - or whatever we happen to be listening to in the car. Example: "Oh my Rumi cat, you're my Rumi cat, and I love yooouuuuu!" The tune changes, but I sing that or something similar at least twice a day. And I don't give a shit what I sound like. It's just... silly.

I like being silly. I like not having to act like a grown up. I like having a husband that makes random noises and comes up with ridiculous characters and sings songs to the cats (and me). I love being married to someone who can make me giggle, or shriek or cry with laughter. Thank goodness he's never made me pee.

People don't laugh enough. Did you ever hear that statistic that kids laugh like two hundred times a day, and the average adult only laughs four times? I'm sure someone made it up, but I do love the point. Someone actually came up with laughter therapy for just that reason. Or laughter yoga. There are laugh clubs. People join a club, go to the meetings, just so they can laugh.

Also, we have to learn to play pinochle, because Joe accidentally bought a pack of pinochle cards instead of regular face cards. We opened them before we realized the mistake. We have been playing golf (the card game) lately. It's a good two player card game. Way better than hanging over the other person's shoulder while they play solitaire. "Hey, can I help?" Is it just me, or is it way annoying to be helped when you're playing solitaire?

There's an old guy who lives across the street from us, and he has at least five cats. I think they were a litter of kittens once, but they're growing up. We went out one night and a couple of them came running up to us. We made friends with them. I love sitting in our library room and watching them play in his front yard. He keeps a window open so they can come in and out of the house at will, and he sits in his chair in the yard and they sit on his lap and he loves them. Is it creepy that I watch him pet his kitties? I just really love kitties. And I love when other people love them.

*I really just made this number up. There are an infinite number of reasons to love Joe and being married to him, none more important than the rest. :) I'm feeling a little cheesy today.

blorgin

2011-08-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

I successfully finished my first week back at school!

I can't decide if I love or hate it. Can it be both?

I'm in exclusively entry level classes, because a lot of my credits from BYU weren't accepted. And I sort of hate that.

But, next semester I can really get into my major(s), and the U of I doesn't limit the number of credits you can take before you have to graduate! Which means I can totally do two minors and add a World Religions major. Yay!

So basically, I just have to sit through the baby talk of Public Speaking and English 102, and then be rewarded next semester. It's not as easy as it sounds, folks. I've taken both of these subjects like three times now, between high school and college. And I'm the oldest person in both those classes. And the vast majority of people in both of them are sorority girls and frat boys. While I have no issues with those kinds of people on any real level, I would really like to make some friends some day, and that's just not a realistic venue for such a venture.

Oh, but! English did pay off today, because the teacher showed us this absolutely freaking awesome video:

Love it!

(Goal for the weekend: post some pictures! I have a crapload of them. Sorry I haven't been around.)

this land is your land

2011-08-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

This land is different from anywhere else I've lived. Or at least, lived and paid attention to the landscape, because for the life of me I can't remember much about it in California (except the Sierra Nevadas to the east!)

I'm falling in love with it, though, despite the things I miss about the desert of Southeastern Idaho (oh sagebrush, and juniper, why can't you follow me everywhere?!) We're surrounded by hills with fields of wheat, lentils, garbanzo beans, and beyond those to the east and north are lush forested hills and mountains. I've never lived so close to the forest, and I'm so often in awe when I catch a glimpse of them. It's a quick drive to some of the loveliest places I've seen in a long time.

I've now lived in all three corners of Idaho (it only gets three because of its funky shape), and I have to say that for how short a time we've been here, I'm surprisingly content. This town and I, I think we can be friends.

2011-08-20T09:49:00.001-07:00

For twenty-four hours, I was the owner of one of these beauties. Now, alas, it is not so.

It started like this: The chemistry book Joseph and I need sells new for $250. There was no used option. Then I happened to notice online that the ebook version was only around a hundred dollars. "Hey!" Joe said, "If we do that we can buy a Nook to put it on!"

We went and bought that little Nook, and came home with giddy hearts. Then we purchased the ebooks we needed. Went to the website to download them and...

You can't download them.

Wait, what?

Yep. The company that we rented the ebooks from (wait? you thought we bought them? so did we) doesn't give you the option to download to your computer. You have to access them through the company's website. Or print them off, ten pages at a time. Oh, and we only have access to them for 180 days, which is just shy of six months, which doesn't cover the two semesters we'll need that damn chemistry book.

Do you know if the U of I bookstore will extend a return on an ebook? Neither do I. We're also not entirely sure that's the best way to go, since the hundred dollars is still way less than $250 for the regular edition, even if we do end up paying a crapload to print all the pages we need.

And the true victim of all this is my poor little Nook. We were going to call it a joint birthday present, but when it comes down to it, we can't afford a birthday present like that. It would have been worth it, if we could put the textbooks on it. But we can't, and now we have to take it back.

My heart's a little bit broken.

So if anyone knows how to download ebooks from CourseSmart, let me know, yeah? You'd be my hero forever.